Chapter 5

 2014 - Part 2

This year I started my career in TU Dresden. I wouldn't think of anything wrong in this year, but my mistake I guess was to cope with my charming friend and Indonesian friend and start living as roommates. I also knew for first time the girl I think has led me to develop this kind of disease.

We used to chill, I met 2 friends from Chile there. We barely had any worries, together with my roommates and the girl, we were hanging out. So the days passed, and I start developing feelings for her, but I was in denial. Until one of my Chilean friends told me that it was notorious that I liked her, and I just couldn't hold it anymore.

So he, we will just call him Mr. Blonde, dated a lot of girls, and the other Chilean friend was, I reckon, in love with my her too. So I wouldn't interpose between them, because he had known her before. However, she was always stepping on my feet, and I just couldn't ignore that.

Year 2015 came, we went to a party in Leipzig, where I studied one year before. She was really drunk and me too, so she kissed me, or I kissed her, I don't remember that. The thing is, that next day she couldn't remember anything, but she went to our home and stayed with us a little bit. I was insecure, because my charming friend had already taken a girl away from me, so I tried the best to separate her from him. He had a girlfriend anyway.

But some people are bad, she was flirting with anybody, so my Indonesian guy felt for her too. I could have said, no, I'm better than that, I'm much for her. But she was still seeking for my attention, or at least that is what I thought. She tried to make me jealous all the time, and she was getting it, so sometimes I couldn't help but to be annoyed and mad at her.

Some days I even had too much anxiety, I remember how she made me follow her in Spotify and I, smoking cannabis, was so psychotic that I thought she was talking to me through songs. I used to listened to her songs all the time.

Then she started liking and dating my Chilean friend, Mr. Blonde, but he of course wouldn't take her seriously. She was obsessed, as I was of her, so I couldn't help it. I started a Latino group to meet new people and get distracted, I met a Peruvian girl, although she was married I think, so nothing would happen between us, she was also a little older. 

I went to a Brazilian bar, where I met a girl from an Asian country, Kazakhstan maybe, and we started going out. Like 1 or 2 times, but the girl I mentioned before, she really was jealous of that. How could I be happy and not her? Then she told the Asian girl to go away, and she never texted me again. So I was all alone, smoking and going places, studying but no t paying too much attention in class. I was really depressed.

She made me feel guilty for enjoying any minute of my life, so she just wanted to make me jealous, and she told me I shouldn't be part of any group, like the Concrete Boat Building Club, where I was doing my Practica. They finally threw me out for not going there every week.

That girl was annoying, I also had another friend who was dumped by Mr. Blonde, and I felt empathic for her, so we used to hang out together. Of course, they were all related, I tried to forget about her but every time I was thinking more and more about her. When I went in vacation to Peru, she got a new male friend, with whom she always hung out at weekends. I noticed it after I came back to Germany that year. She gaslighted me into thinking all was my fault, because I was not there. But I had to visit my family, and they insisted that I went there so, I couldn't help it.

After some months, I remember a party in which I met this red colored hair girl, I had seen her before, and I was interested, so when she approached to me, I just hugged her and told her: "I am sorry, I have to go" in Spanish. Then I danced with another girl, who knew salsa, but I couldn't dance anyway.

After that, I must say they were all in my Faculty, some rumors were spread and my possessive friend went to a snowboarding trip, where she met another man, whose name I would never say again. The charming friend called him the Lepperman. Anyway, they finally went out a pair of times and I tried to give her space, but I missed her.

One day, we were going to a university club tour, she was mad at me, because I had once grabbed her around in front of Mr. Blonde, and he was jealous and went away. She pursued him, and I went home, but I don't really care. The thing is that this time she hugged me and everything, after I told everybody she was with me. Nevertheless, when we went to the tram, my Spanish friend told me to take care of her, and so I did. She was a little drunk I guess, she was flirting with a guy in front of me, I couldn't take it anymore, so when she went out from the tram, I followed her to her house. She told me she was okay, but I just wanted to go home with her, so I told her so. Furthermore, she stood in front of me, I remember holding her tightly, I don't know if this was real, but I grabbed her from the waist and I had an erection, we did something there in the street. Then she went away, but I was not finished, so I grabbed her again, but she resisted and screamed. I panicked out, so I let her go but followed her to her house. There we had vanilla ice cream, and she was kind of sexually arousing me with her toothbrush, but then she told me to go. I just jerked off that night.

After that, she moved out, she went to the Neustadt, I started listening to some voices again. When I was at university, people used to say things like: "You are dumb", "You are losing your time here" or "Go away".

When I had to take my exams, I wrote her on FB, I told her I was stressed out, and we could grab a drink at a Café. So I didn't pass the exams, and I was planning to change my career to Informatics, what I did. But at that time I had to tell her what was happening to me, the voices, comments on social media, the numbers 420 and 69. Something was happening there, maybe I was too much time in FB or WhatsApp trying to figure out where she was. And the stress got me in a psychotic trauma.

She showed a mark on her neck, like if she had had an accident, or she was kissed too harshly, until now I don't recall. She just told me: "It hurts". But what was that supposed to mean, she had sex with someone, and she wanted to tell me... why? Just because I was getting messages from a Russian girl I knew. She just wanted to punish me for being myself.

Anyway, I think she has something to do with my trauma and psychosis. Of course, she has to do with it, but maybe she is provoking my suffering through another method. I didn't see her for a while after that.

I tried to focus on my career the next months, I was now studying Informatics. Likewise, I was finally in peace, after such a toxic relationship. My parents told me to book a flight, I told them I had an exam on December, and so I had. So I postponed the flight, I gave my exam. Before that I saw her two times, I had been going out with the salsa dancer and I think the possessive girl was now jealous of that, so she invited me to eat at the cafeteria. She was with another guy this time. I was pissed off, but I didn't react, so we ate and I said goodbye. At next day, my Chilean friend told me to go to the Beer fest with him, and there she was, she acted nice first, she tried to kiss me, but I refused. Then, she acted like the slut she is. I don't want to disrespect her, but I can't find in other words to describe it, I literally tried to get a beer, and she told me she had tickets for beer. But at last, she didn't give me any beer, and so I had to share one with my Chilean friend. I had classes, so I left.

Then I asked if they were still there, and she said yes. I went back a couple of hours after that. There was the refugee friend and the new friend of hers, I went to her, but she ailed up and went with her roommate to another place. I called her and confronted her, I told her what was wrong with her, but she just looked at her phone and smiled. So I threw her phone and made her listen to me. She didn't want to listen and was treating me like a crazy person. So I decided to left, and never see her again.

I blocked her number, but we were in the same chat group, so I could read her messages. AT last, I had a goodbye party with some friends from Indonesia and the charming guy. She didn't know I was gone. Forever gone.

After I came to Lima, my parents brought me to the doctor, because I was seeing numbers and figures, even in social media and voices in real life. A Peruvian girl tried to tell me something in the Shopping Mall, like: "Se ve horrible" : "He looks horrendous". I never had experienced such a criticism before, so I didn't care. Of course now I care, I would crush her teeth if she said that to me again. And some of you would argue that's gender violence, fuck that. I don't give a shit what you think about me.